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User blog:Hippie Rat/Hippie Rat Reviews - Dragonsblood23's Harry Potter VS Spider-Man
Hey yo hi hello Alright, seriously, check these battles out. I don't give this guy enough credit, and he honestly deserves it. Here's his YouTube, and here's the video for this specific battle. Dragon, buddy, I want to go easy on you. You've gotten plenty of flak. Thing is, you kinda gotta hear some of these points if you're gonna improve any more than you already have. Plus you were the one who told me to review this, so this is on you. Quick update before I begin: I got the chance to speak with Dragon in a skype call a while before I posted this review to kind of assess the main concepts of what is going on with the lyrics. I got a great view of what was going on in Dragon's head when he writes. It's all about what is being said and not enough about how he says it. Every grammatical mistake I bring up was deflected with a quick explanation of the meaning of the line and it seemed like awkward wording and the way ideas are connected in the lyrics wasn't cared about as much as trying to get as much said as possible. I want it to be clear that these won't always be little rap meanings entries explaining the lines myself, these are going to go in-depth on how you were saying things, what comes across as awkward and what could need some rewording, and if I say anything about the meaning of the line, it will simply be to consider what belongs in this rap battle and what doesn't. And Dragon, seriously, I'll always be available to get rid of that awkward wording and grammatical mistakes, just hit me up and I'll give the lyrics one last look before it goes to the press. You can trust me there. You have great ideas, you just need to work on the execution. It's not all about how many references you can stuff into one battle. It's about what references are worthwhile to mention to either demean your opponent or appraise yourself. You can't throw shit at the wall and see what sticks then just Scotch tape the rest to the wall. The Premise Harry Potter vs Spider-Man is a really decent idea. They're pretty evenly-matched opponents in terms of content and cultural relevance. I would really enjoy to see ERB actually take this idea on. If you ask me, I say the only reason this idea gets so much unnecessary hate is because Tarzan is the only opponent anyone will allow to go against Spider-Man. Y'all can say that's not it, but I ain't buying it. But fuck it, I'll say it, I really like this idea. But what you did with the idea might not have been the best idea. It's a story battle. Dragon, bro, you can't have such a press for story battles. It leads to messes like Vampires vs Vampire Hunters, somehow managing to be uncoordinated and too coordinated at the same time. But let me be clear, it's not bad, just messy. Story battles can actually limit possibilities for raps. In this story, you took Spider-Man and Harry Potter before they discovered their strengths, then evolved them throughout their years and stories and losses and gains. It's a zero to hero storyline that could've been done by so many other characters and thus had no real reason to be there, and each verse was limited to the information associated with where the characters are in the story, instead of being able to pull information from everywhere to make clever all-inclusive lines. I know you enjoy story battle ideas, and yes, they can be fun, but I think incorporating a story in rap battles should only be done via prologues and epilogues to battles, like most of the story in the Hitler vs Vader trilogy, or just be portrayed via actions by characters instead of the words of the characters (which is a limitation of your style of making your rap battles, I understand, but there can still be other ways to do it). If the characters tell the story, it almost always becomes awkward. You can tell it took a lot to make the lyrics to Donald Trump vs Ebenezer Scrooge natural and not awkward while still trying to tell a story, but there are still awkward bits, especially in Scrooge's verses. You try similar things, but it comes off as unnatural and awkward, the only solace coming from your announcer explaining a lot of the aspects of what's happening so there isn't more explaining needing to be done in rap. I will elaborate on not making storytelling rap awkward later in the review. The Visuals It's just the style you do your stuff in. It's not bad, and similar tactics are done by many others, such as The Infinite Source and Moleman, and generally you do it very well. You find very great images and clips that correspond to the lyrics and help explain them, which is a very very helpful trait when watching these battles and not immediately understanding the line. The thing is, sometimes when doing this, you cut from the character rapping to something involving the opponent, and it'll make me think that this guy is rapping now, when it's still the other guy. It's not as apparent of a problem in this battle because of the British accent, but in other battles.. Simple fix to this problem: put lyrics in the description based on what verse it's in, or color the font of the subtitles in accordance to who is rapping. Speaking of subtitles, its commonly difficult to read them because of the picture it's in front of, and that can be fixed by giving the subtitles a uniform backdrop throughout the video. It may not look all that great to have some kind of bottom letterbox on the video, but it would very much help in understanding the lyrics. The Audio Speaking of understanding lyrics. Dragon, the one-take wonder. You've been told before to not try and do the entire battle at once and record and mix the audio in multiple divided takes, and I'd have to agree with that request, as it becomes very difficult to understand what you're saying when you're left winded by the lyrics and can't get the entire line out clearly. And for the love of God, when you fuck up a lyric, just fucking fix it. We don't need a million "competition/complexion" discrepancies going on in one battle, just rerecord it. Also, make sure the beat and vocals are evenly mixed and stuff. You've been doing generally better at that more recently but still it can be distracting. And just, work on those accents and stuff. The Lyrics First off, you've improved. There's great flow, great disses, and great jokes, something a lot of people forget when writing rap battles. Then there are parts with iffy flow, iffy disses, and iffy jokes. I've always been impressed by the lengths you go for research, but sometimes it becomes too much, too vague. Seriously, there are some people who struggle to find information. I remember when I first started writing rap battles my ability to find material of substance was kind of off-and-on, but mostly off. You, on the other hand, have this weird gift of being able to find fucking everything about every character you do. The thing is, you rarely manipulate the information and sometimes just send out the information to print as just a reference with no substance, and when you do it's kind of awkward. Not to mention every piece of information gets that treatment. When you leave no stone unturned you show the audience the bottom of every fucking stone, no matter how redundant. The saying is "throw shit at the wall and see what sticks" not "throw shit at the wall and whatever doesn't stick can be forced onto the wall with Scotch tape." Just because you can find everything there is about a character doesn't mean you have to tell us everything there is about a character. So let's look at every lyric individually. Announcer: Awwwwwwwww yeah. Dragon Rap Battles! We got the battle of science and magic! We got Marvel's Spider-Man vs J. K. Rowling's Harry Potter! Now unlike most battles we're gonna go from the zeroes to the heroes throughout the entire battle. So this is otherwise, we're gonna start with Parker before he was bitten by the spider, and Harry Potter before he got those letters. Let's begin! (Dragon Rap Battles. Spider-Man vs Harry Potter. Begin. You added fifty seven more words than you needed to. Well, fifty seven more than you needed had you chosen not to limit yourself with the story. If there's gonna be a story, make it more fun. I'll have a decent example down in the rewrite. The word otherwise doesn't work here, as that's used to point out what happens when something doesn't happen, yet you just continued explaining what is going to happen. Heck, the whole phrase "so this is otherwise" is weird. These lyrics are profound and we haven't even started the battle.) Peter Parker (before bitten): Careful now, Potter, because you better think twice, (He has to be careful...because he better think twice? Those are two independent ideas.) 'Cause unlike yours, my aunt and uncle are actually both nice! (And you threw in ANOTHER "because"?! He better be careful..because he better think twice...because Parker's aunt and uncle are nice to him unlike Harry's? That makes...no sense. Also, "actually both nice" is awkward. No one talks like that unless it's an accident. "Actually nice" would've been a bit better but still feels a bit forced.) A battle between a kid and a teen is certainly unfit, (Nice pronunciation of "kid." If you fuck up and say "teen" first just go ahead and say "kid" second, it doesn't matter. Or just rerecord it. This is pretty damn filler too, and who says "certainly unfit"?) Go back to your action figures while I work on my science kit. (I didn't even remember Potter had action figures. You're scraping the bottom of the barrel four lines into the battle CAN YOU SEE WHY STORY BATTLES AREN'T A GOOD IDEA?) Yeah my life might not be great and I may be short on cash, (Don't say this. Just don't. What rap battler goes against someone and admits that they're poor and miserable? This isn't how concession and refutation should be done in rap battles.) But for once in my life I will beat someone in a flash. (You're continuing. You're continuing to rap as if he sucks. Don't do this. Don't say this is the fight he'll win "for once in his life". Also flash is a DC character (bpf) (okay yes I know Flash Thompson is a thing no need to get crazy about how I don't know him).) Run back to your cupboard under the stairs, for I got a load of things to do today, (Here's where it gets really awkward. We get it, this is the verse where they're sucky fucks and right after this they're gonna become cool. You don't need to weirdly hint at it in the rap.) For I have an important science show with radioactive rays. (It's not Parker's show, it's just one he's viewing, unless I'm mistaken (and I don't think I am). So "I have to go to". Also, why are you saying "with radioactive rays"? Does he assume Potter knows all the science stuff he's talking about? Is it..oh, I don't know, a silly way to make a rhyme? It's so fucking forced it's not even funny.) Harry Potter (before the letters): Listen, Parker, your science show doesn't make you hip, (Which is one reason why it shouldn't be rapped. And again, it wasn't Parker's show.) My raps will scar you for life like my name was Old Skip. (References for people who actually have read the comics are okay but don't do them so often and don't get too vague with them. Also, "scar" yet no Harry Potter joke mmk.) Honestly, Parker, I find your personality more bland than eerie, (_____, Parker, this. ____, Parker, that. Also, is his personality supposed to be eerie? I always heard nerdy and awkward but not eerie.) It's an amazing fantasy how Goodman put you on a dying series. (Goodman was objecting to using Spider-Man because he thought he'd fail, and compromised by putting his story in the last issue of a series they were pulling: Amazing Adult Fantasy. This is surprising BECAUSE Spider-Man is cool yet it was thought he'd flop at first. So logically, Potter is calling Spider-Man cool, possibly even under-appreciated. Not good. Also, a fantasy is something that didn't happen, yet this is exactly what happened. Bruh. Your rhymes are profound.) My parents died in a car crash but I heard they were legends, (Again, the story battle aspect making things confusing. When I first heard this lyric I forgot it's not literally every other rendition of the character in the rap battle who knows what happened to his parents and I figured you were fucking dumb. It gets tough to follow. Just leave this bit out tbh, it's just a reminder that Harry's an orphan. Uch.) While your parents' sad lives went down like the jet they were in. (This isn't clever. What even is a "life going down"? What is that? We get it, both of their lives suck, let's move on.) So instead, you better head back to your Uncle Ben and Aunt May, (Boring "go home" line. These kinds of lines do jack shit.) But thank you for the rap, it was the best part of my eleventh birthday. (Holy shit we get it their lives suck and they're about to be the actual characters we're used to. This isn't a rap battle yet, this is just "both of our lives suck" the almost-musical.) (Time Montage goes on as Hagrid tells Harry the truth as he heads to hogwarts and Peter gets bitten and watches his uncle get shot as he becomes Spider-Man) Spider-Man (first years): It's been a while, got bit, now I go by Spider-Man, (Eh, decent transition line. Nothing else really to say about it. A nice self-proclaiming exclamation that brings us into this verse well.) Swinging all over town and does whatever a spider can. (When using both verbs in the same sentence, make sure they're in the same tense. Swinging and doing, not swinging and does. Otherwise, again, decent transition and extension to the rest of the verse.) I’m topping Crusher Hogan and yet I remember for my agility, (Simple reference to his wrestling ring origins, then a very strange sentence fragment. "Yet I remember for my agility," as in he keeps in mind (the thing in the next line) so he can control his agility, while his agility isn't really something for him to keep in line as much as his sense of danger around him. This was just a moment where you had an idea for a line, then couldn't come up with a transition for the next line, so you rhymezoned the rest of the way through.) My late uncle’s words: "with great power comes great responsibility." (Yeah, it had to show up in this battle at some point, I just wish it was a bit more clever.) You barely survived giant snakes, doubt you can handle The Lizard, (The basilisk was one giant snake, Nagini was never really a thing in this era, showing that you got your eras mixed up, proving that the story idea was unnecessary and confusing. Besides that this line is alright. I enjoyed the delivery. Vocal variety is always a good thing to include.) If so, I’ll take a shot at your defeat as Triple J pays me for the pictures. ("I doubt you can beat my enemy, but if you can" should not be something anyone ever says in a battle. Also, he's saying he'll take a shot at his defeat, which seems to have a double meaning (fucking awesome), one being that if Potter beats the Lizard, Spider-Man will attempt to defeat him himself, the other being he'll get a shot (like a picture) of Potter being defeated. Unfortunately, the second meaning of him getting the picture doesn't make sense since the setup had Potter handling the Lizard, not being defeated. So the J. Jonah Jameson reference doesn't really fit because the meaning that ties to it is false. Very good try though, just needs a bit of rewording. It probably would've been much better with a different setup.) The Sorting Hat sets off this prophecy as a Gryffindork mess. (The Sorting Hat actually saw him as a Slytherin before Harry basically pleaded for him not to be put in it. So it was technically Harry that set himself off as a Gryffindor. Nitpicking aside, the Gryffindork part is funny, but has no purpose when you just end the line with a simple rhyme filler. Fix it up and you got a good line here.) Dobby: Dobby should’ve warned Harry Potter about Hagrid’s desires to molest. (WOAH WOAH WOAH! HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE! In what fucking universe is Hagrid a sexual predator towards Harry and how the fuck do I stay as far away from that universe as possible? Seriously, this was quite the fucking bomb drop on the lyrics and not in a good way. Also, why was Dobby here in the first place? There was no indication that he should show up. Just out of nowhere a molestation joke from a character that came out of nowhere. So weird.) Harry Potter (first years): I heard about your adventures and what I got so far, (Buildup. Just buildup. Nothing fun here. Carry on.) Is that The Daily Bugle was right about the menace you are. (And the buildup pays off..kinda. It's a kinda lame diss. It might feel kinda deep to Spider-Man. Might. People started off scared of Spider-Man, that's kinda it.) Even the Fantastic Four rejected this arthropod guy, (Random little reference for the comic readers. Also, "spider." "Arthropod." Get it? I don't care.) Plus you can’t turn this battle around with Hostess fruit pies. (Another random reference for the comic readers. Fucking Golden Spongecake Spider-Man is something I will never get over. I'm glad you put this line in just so I can learn this exists. I kinda wish it was integrated a bit more clever though.) With Cloak blending like a Chameleon and my riches in store, (I don't know why it has to blend like a chameleon. Is that another Lizard reference? Is that just a reference that generally went over my head? Yeah probably that one. Also, "and my riches in store." In store for what? Really the thing about this is that you're not coming up with bad ideas, you're just not using these ideas to their full potential.) While you’re broke and cry when passing rice at grocery stores. (Clever, but this one needed a bit too much explaining. Again, the video does well to do that, but anyone who doesn't already know the Uncle Ben Spider-Man rice joke would be super confused at first.) Gonna need some Brackium Emendo when i’m fly as Leviosa, ("I'mma fly like it's Quidditch." Same franchise, same concept of a line, all it is is a different reference to something in the franchise to bring the exact same idea. Anyways, these are two completely different concepts. He's saying he'll break Spider-Man's bones because he's so cool. Doesn't add up, right?) This spider is so lame, it even got Ron out of Arachnophobia! (Did you know spider? Because spider spider spider. Seriously, it's just taking great ideas and not fulfilling their potential.) (Time Montage as Harry uses the Time Turner and plays The Triwizard Tournament as Spider-Man loses Gwen Stacy and gains the Black Symbiote Suit) Harry Potter (middle years): It’s time I go first on the mic, and I see while you’re meticulous, (There's no reason for Harry to say he's going first now when we're witnessing it happen. Show don't tell. Also, "and I see while you're meticulous," yeah yeah ok because people just say "meticulous" in a normal rap battle suuuuure. Meticulous means he does things precisely with a lot of care put into it. How is this a diss? And if it isn't the diss in itself how does it develop into a diss? There's no way to do so with a word that has no negative connotation.) But Siriusly? Black? Mike Zeck made you absolutely Riddikulus! (This is where the great ideas are really seeping through and you can see good ideas for jokes coming out, but the delivery just isn't quite there. My main gripe with this is that you're putting too much in at once, especially the specific name "Mike Zeck." Everyone knows what you're talking about when you introduce the idea of Venom, it was a bit too on-the-nose to reference him by the guy who drew Spider-Man that way. It actually becomes less of a diss. If you're gonna diss him based on Venom, then there is one thing you should be saying: emo dancing Peter Parker. Just saying.) Now dig on this Parker, you snapped out of the spandex suit, (Which you immediately do, cutting out reason to namedrop Mike Zeck even more..... Why? Anyway this line is actually sounding great. The carried-over rhyme from the last line is great and the build up to the punch is pretty awesome.) Straight unto a Hot Topic to flirt with a cheap Catwoman prostitute. (It was fucking good. Like seriously, this is sounding more like a fucking rap battle. It's not quite perfect yet (like why use the word "unto"? what is this, Shakespeare?), but you are getting there with this. It's not multiple ideas competing for the spotlight, it's a clear line of thought developing the concept until you hit it with the punchline. Fucking great. More of this.) You should’ve Quid ditch this fight as I’m not affected by your webbing, (If he should have done something, the verb should be in past tense. Otherwise, eh it's an okay line I guess. I just don't like "this thing of yours doesn't affect me" lines tbh.) You’ll be in Petrificus Totalus more than your Aunt’s and Doc Ock’s wedding. (I just don't get it. Doesn't mean it's bad, it just means you need to make the rap meanings page for this battle on the Dragon Rap Battles wiki stat. I will mention that I don't understand the wording of "you'll be in petrificus totalus". That just doesn't seem like correct grammar. Maybe it is, but it doesn't feel like it.) Now I heard what happened to Stacy and her dad as both had a tragic end, ("I heard what happened...this is what happened" mhm okay well that doesn't do much for me. Pretty filler.) But with your Total Emo Drama here, I thought you lost a different Gwen. (Wow and this is the finisher? This is the big Gwen Stacy death joke? A Total Drama reference? A reference to a franchise that doesn't hold a candle to the franchises at hand right now? How about...don't..?) Spider-Man (middle years): Dissing out Gwen Stacy’s death huh? I just find that diss apparent, (How do you..find a diss...apparent...? Like...it was an obvious Gwen Stacy death diss? How does it diminish Potter's raps at all to call them apparent? That's pretty damn profound tbh.) Hypocritical as you didn’t use that Time Turner to save your parents. (Wait, was apparent supposed to be an adverb for hypocritical? If so, then the word is apparently. And yeah the time turner being retconned into the series for just one book to do nothing but take extra classes and save a Hippogriff is a good point, but it seems kinda weird to go all the way back in time thirteen years. Then you'd be raising yourself or something? If you ask me, wide range time traveling is a very bad idea and it's good that it was only limited to a few hours in PoA. Why it wasn't used further in the series, well fuck I don't know.) You had Edward Cullen on your side til Volde turned him to redundancy, (Diggory was not redundant, as he allowed Potter to witness death, a very important character arc in the series that helped mold Potter into the character strong enough to defeat Voldemort. This just seemed like a forced joke that does nothing but say "hey by the way Robert Pattinson was in the Potter movies before Twilight movies." Might as well have included that The Doctor was the enemy in the same movie. And who in all fuckery says "turned him to redundancy" in a rap battle? Hell, who says that in normal conversation? Who says that in any context ever?) My flow’s so Electro to be with Morgan Freeman on The Electric Company. (His flow is so electro to be with Morgan Freeman. I think instead of "to be", you should've said "that it's". Also, kind of a roundabout reference that I'm not even sure connects to the characters well enough to say.) You are nothing compared to me now, I duked it out with The Man of Steel, ("Now." As in Harry was at some point compared to Spider-Man. Set it up a bit more and it will feel like a better diss, even if it's a filler diss in the first place. And also, now I don't read the comics, but I'm pretty sure you're delving into multiple universes here. Let's just keep it in the basic universe unless it's to diss something fricking hilarious like Golden Spongecake Spider-Man, and that is ONLY if the battle is unnecessarily 80 fucking lines long and we need something to pad the lyrics with. Seriously, consider shortening some of these battles. I usually would get mad at fanmades for limiting themselves to like 32 lines when characters have so much to talk about that it could go on for days, but when you have to pull out the fan theories and the multiple universes, that's when you need to shorten your battle.) But now I figured out now this suit has given me an Extraterrestrial Reveal. (More silly messy story lyrics. I now want you to now get rid of these story lyrics now now now.) So in other words, I am done with this black suit, because it’s giving me hell, (In other words huh? You haven't gotten the point across? It's just more story? You're literally repeating plot points right after you just said it in something that shouldn't have you explaining plot points in the first place. Fucking what.) So let the bells ring for this triumph win (This is filler. Also, it's supposed to be "triumph''ant'' win".) Venom: Hey thanks for the suit, LOL. (This made me laugh, just for actually having a decent storytelling lyric that doesn't overexplain itself, and the LOL, while tacky, is a nice little bit of comic relief.) (Time Montage as Harry goes through Umbridge, losing Dumbledore, and learning of the Half-Blood Prince while Spider-Man faces Carnage, Learns of Ben Reilly, and loses Norman Osborn) Harry Potter (penultimate years): It’s been a while Parker, but now I’ve gathered up my own army, (Good introductory statement. The "but" doesn't quite fit though.) While you're back to spandex and married to a redhead Barbie. (Having an army doesn't connect to having a suit change and a new girlfriend. And the redhead Barbie idea feels a bit forced. Also, we don't need two different instances of "spandex" being commented on.) So in words of The Half-Blood Prince, I’m giving you a lecture, (This also feels forced. Harry had many other professors, he would likely prefer to refer to any of them OTHER THAN Snape as a good mentor to base his lyrics on (at least, at this point in the story). Unless there was a note put in HBP's potions textbook that said he'd give him a lecture, which I don't think happened, I don't know, I haven't read the books in a few years, but still, even if it did, chill with some of these vaguer references.) On how they choose Sandman over you for The Avengers. (This is essentially the same thing as the Fantastic Four line from a few segments ago. Also, any layman would be confused due to the famous depiction of Spider-Man when this came out has Spider-Man being a part of The Avengers. That may not have been a thing when this line was made, but hey, more references for anyone who's actually read the comics.) Cause when it comes to magic rhymes, i’m certainly the minister, (Proclaiming himself the minister instead of the OG or something works in a way, just take out fluff words like "certainly.") You’re Skating on Thin Ice when your Clone Saga becomes sinister. (But how does a saga become sinister? What I can assume is a Sinister Six reference is cool, (if it wasn't meant to be that then turn off rhymezone for a few battles and see what you can accomplish without it, everything might sound a little less forced), that with minister is effective rhyming, just let it make sense.) Call me The Jackal as I take you out in favor of a Scarlet decoy, (I don't know. Like, I know this is in reference to the comics, which is exactly why I don't know, but that doesn't change the fact that I don't know. Maybe if you made the rap meanings page for this battle. "Hey hippie, when's the review coming out?" Gee I don't know when will I understand most of these lyrics?) Since your own best friend turned into a Goblin version of Malfroy. (*ahem*, Malfoy. Okay now then um decent line except how does Osborne Jr. have any similar personality to Malfoy to make this claim? Sure both do dirty work in their fathers' name but "version of ___" implies personality connections, which I'm pretty sure they don't have.) Spider-Man (penultimate years): Oh I’m sorry, I was busy fighting this psychopathic body snatcher. (This line does nothing but reference Carnage. The only thing more unnecessary than this line was the Carnage Hiss itself.) You went from Voldemort to a villainous version of Margaret Thatcher. (And the "oh I'm sorry" didn't even go anywhere. When you say "oh I'm sorry," you gotta get a "who were you again?" or a "are you still talking?" in there. Otherwise you leave the person unsatisfied. Like a faked orgasm. You just faked an orgasm. Anyway, clever idea, awkward execution. You also apparently enjoy the term "version of" too much.) I got Wolverine, Ghost Rider, and The Hulk to form up The Fantastic Four. (Sounds fucking awesome. Doesn't do much here. Just another reference to the comic book readers in the group here.) While your army failed as SPOILER ALERT: SNAPE KILLED DUMBLEDORE! (This was a good one. Very funny line. Kudos.) Your best friends are trying to be together but you’re the cock blocker, (Eh, I can't really see what puts Harry in the middle of them until Deathly Hallows. The Hermione-Ron subplot was kinda off to the side from Harry until Ron got his head fucked by the horcrux in Hallows. Even after talking to you this still has no reason except "it always seemed to me like the story was focusing more on Harry than the sidekicks' romantic subplot," to which I have to say THAT WAS THE POINT OF IT: TO NOT PLAY IT OUT LIKE IT WAS TOO BIG OF A DEAL LIKE MOST OTHER TEEN COMING OF AGE STORIES DO.) Not surprising, however Herman Schultz though, that’s a real Shocker. (Take out "however." That's it. Good line otherwise.) I got Todd Mcfarlane doing art and Sam Raimi hitting up the box office, (You keep referencing the creators. It's okay to do this if the name of the creator is a household name, like Mark Twain, Stephen Spielberg, or J. K. Rowling, but not a lot of people have the names Todd Mcfarlane and Sam Raimi right at the top of their minds all the time.) So gather your pair of whore crutches and go after those Horcruxes. (Ooooooh tsssssss. Fucking good one.) (One Final Time Montage as Harry finds the horcruxes and battles Voldemort as Spider-Man joins The Avengers, dies from Doc Ock but comes back to life) Spider-Man (final years): It’s time I go first again, you’re out of style as girls prefer a newer brit Harry, (Sure. Fuck it. It ain't that bad. Just needs minor tweaks to take out the awkward wording.) Like you, I’m a Death Eater which I guess is both funny and a bit scary. (What. Like, I just can't figure this one out. Just what. Did you just call Harry Potter a death eater? Is Spider-Man a Marvel version of the death eater or is that just a Harry Potter reference? Whatever it is, this line confused the fuck outta me, which I guess is both funny and a bit scary. See? That's not a natural thing to say.) I’m building an Ultimate Alliance for Miles as I become the OG Kingpin, (Kinda just a bunch of namedropping characters and plots here. Not very impressive.) You may be on top with High grossing, but it’s an Oscar you’ll never win. (Anastrophe. Fun it ain't. Good point though.) I’m Superior, Spectacular, Amazing, even approved by Obama himself, (Just more references, no jokes, I'm repeating myself, this battle unnecessarily has eighty lines.) While you’re collecting Deathly Hallows til you end up greeting Dumbledeath itself. (Yeah, that's what happened. Whatever. Fan theory of Dumbledore being death why is it there "because J. K. Rowling likes the idea of the theory" oh yeah and everything she says will carry over to the fanbase, isn't that right, "everyone's-favorite-house-Hufflepuff"?) As Neville was the true hero, he sliced Nagini as you got canned, (Harry got canned, fuck can I say about that. Neville killed Nagini because fuck while Harry was busy being canned.) As now you’ve been served by your friendly neighborhood, Spider-Man. (Spider-Man just told himself that he got owned by his own friendly neighborhood, whatever I don't care what's a comma anyway I don't know where comma.) Harry Potter (final years): Oh please, you’re a sellout, Disney property bought from Stan, (Bought from Stan. Obligatory Stan Lee cameo I guess. I don't know. I'm phoning it in by now. You heard what you needed to hear. Not everything involving Marvel has to somehow reference Stan Lee. That's the kind of line I'd hear from ERBParodies when they're trying to sound clever but just come across as stupid.) As you can’t go for One More Day without pissing your fans. (Pissed his fans. He pissed his fans. I mean sure yeah okay that's a thing whatever.) I mean those memes gave me cancer at making 4Chan look cool, (This was a line at making no grammar sense.) While your deceased girl came back to steal your fame and Deadpool’s. (References. That's what's going on right now. References.) Go to Universal, see folks skip your ride cause my world’s beautiful, (Good idea, meh execution.) As this Cursed Child can still outstage your broadway Musical. (Good idea, meh execution.) You must be on some Mary Jane, if your sex life is a thriller, (This would be a little better if it made sense. Maybe if you threw in the word "think" in there somewhere, I don't know. Also, you mentioned in the Skype call that you wanted to stay away from the cliché "you're high on Mary Jane" joke, or at least make it more clever, yet all you do is toss it in haphazardly like you didn't give two shits. This is the kind of joke that may be cliché but you gotta build up with information pertaining to the character and lay that in as a final double-meaning blow if you want it to work. Hell, maybe you can even make fun of how cliché the joke is (see rewrite). You practically wasted the punchline in the hook of the joke. Blew your load too early.) But then again I heard your radioactive sperm is absolute killer. (And again it's a decent idea. It feels like something you'd use as buildup but that may just be me saying that because I have a plan for this idea for the rewrite, but I do know that the execution still isn't great. If we hear that his sperm is radioactive, we, as an intelligent audience, can make inference that his sperm would be hazardous to the health of one who would share fluids with Spider-Man immediately and the joke is over, then you fill in what we already guessed with the last three words. We got it already. If you wanted the blow to hit then in those words take out the word radioactive so we don't blow the load early. And just word it less awkwardly. All the wording in this is too contrived. Make it flow more like a rap or a conversation.) Sorry for phoning it in near the end then inexplicably picking back up. Anyway let's get this rewrite done. I have bad writers block and you won't stop asking when this review will be ready. Rewrite So I'm going to rewrite it to your story. I'm going to try to condense it. Make it shorter. I'll try to just keep the really relevant stuff. Probably going to mash the first years and the middle years together and the penultimate years and final years together, I'll shorten the pre-years, and that should lead to a more decently sized battle that doesn't dance around with too many more vague references. Announcer: Awwwwwwwww yeah. Dragon Rap Battles! Today we got a grand story of zeroes to heroes. That's the scientific Marvel, Spider-Man, vs the rock-and-''Rowling'' wizard, Harry Potter. A battle for the ages, through the ages, skim the pages! And...begin!! Peter Parker (pre-spidah): I'm not one to waste my time with little kids, I'd rather be back at home fiddling with a science kit, And chilling with a fam that cares a tad bit more than the Dursleys, You'd have to be a fucking magician if you think you can out-curse me. Harry Potter (pre-wizahd): Please, you scrawny runt, if you want to get picked on for fun, I would've thought you'd take a Flash over a lightning bolt, son. I'd have scissors to my scalp a thousand times to get you out of my hair, I'll crush you like a spider that found its way under the stairs. (Wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff) Spider-Man (first and middle years) (btw the beat cuts out a bit into the verse as Spidey raps off of it and it picks up in his next line): This battle's mine again, now I'm your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man, But I ain't your average rhymer, man; I been spittin' it sick with a sticky spritz that'll leave the flash in your hand a flash in the pan, man! Got Electro flow and every Lizard knows I'm a force to be reckoned with, So I leave foes paralyzed in fear when I give the bass a lickin'. Are you kiddin', kid? Quit crying over spilled Diggory, I can kick your Muggle-raised ass with a fucking Twinkie! "Jinkies, Harry! Let's see who's really behind this mask!" Try the super slick-like-a-parka Peter Parker dropping you faster than your mom and dad! Harry Potter (first and middle years): That was cute but bloody hypocritical, Spidey, Your own parents' death ain't my cloak, yo, it's plane to see. Plus your lover and your uncle. Wow, you're bad at this superhero bizz, I can see why J would want the scoop on this! Now dig on this, you can't expect to harm this when I spit Expelliarmus, An emo closeted as you be making people shout "Riddikulus!" I'd say you swung your thorax into a Hot Topic, But when a Gryffindor tee can be found there, I'd rather not associate it to this comic. (Whoosh) Spider-Man (penultimate and final years): Dude's scarred and scared, suit torn and bared, Anyone can look from afar and say it ain't fair, But he's still back to attack a dropout and his author, Spoiler alert, Potter's gonna follow his mentor's fall. Your Foe's senseless, but don't worry, I got one extra, It comes in handy if a Horcrux don't best ya. Hits gifted by mcDJ, and when I take the stage they say "oh hey, that's Miles!" Girls ain't swooning for Swiss Army Man, yo, Harry's outta Styles. Harry Potter (penultimate and final years): Slightest vibrations in the air, it's impressive, you know, You have a keen awareness of your surroundings, except when you don't. Flashback to Gwen, still say your sense is like a spider? I'm just wondering how you couldn't hold it back that long in bed with her. And once she was out of the picture, you jumped straight to finding a new dame, Gotta say, if you think that's true love, then you're high on Mary Jane. Sure that meme is cancerous, but maybe it wouldn't have picked her, If you would finally figure out how to hold it back in bed with her. Spider-Man (still in final years): You wanna talk about girlfriends, you clever little shit? I'm about to fuck you like your best friend's little sis. Speaking of which, you're the cock of the block to your little side-witches, Sitting you smack-dab in the middle of your trio on the posters can't just be a creative decision. Harry Potter (still in final years): Look, my bloody point is, you've lost everyone you ever cared for, But cinema isn't finding any of that curricular, nor, The fact that magic can outdo any science in your range, Thinking I'm the only British magician you'd need to be dissin' is..Doctor Strange. Announcer: Aw man that was brutal (or maybe I'll review something like that in the future) Okay yeah I get it, you can just feel how rushed some of that was, but hey, whatever, it's still pretty good. Conclusion Alright, Dragon. There you go. My review of your battle. So, how about some final notes. I give you full right to the use of the FFvsCC draft I sent you, if you want to edit a bit and maybe add a few lines that's totally cool. If you ever have a battle you want me to chisel, and by chisel I mostly mean proofread and make sure to take out awkward diction and syntax and improve the flow and the comedy for you, hit me up. And, you know what? Fuck it. You need a voice? Hit me up. I may be able to hook you up. May not be the best recording ever with what I have but hey, that's your choice. As for the future of my review series and my rap battle series, I gotta make that GASRB review first because I promised it, but I'm not going to make anymore promises, just on principle of I never know what my mood will be on writing a review for one battle and not another. Hell, even on this review, my brain was so numbed on the rewrite that I prepared almost two entire other reviews before I finished this one. Sorry, again, Dragon that it took so long but that was kinda it. Nothing against this battle, just some voluntary ADD to not completely desensitize myself from one certain rap battle. As for my rap battles, Shakespeare vs Monty Python hasn't even been touched in a fucking month. I know. I'm sorry. But don't worry, I'll have season 5 of my rap battles done by the end of season one of my reviews. And that may or may not be because I'm doing a crossover for those series as their respective season finales. Uh so yeah expect a small flux of better release dates from me, maybe more interaction with other dudes. It's 2017, so my guest appearance in a battle coordinated by Flats shouldn't be too long from happening, and Legion told me that his part of our collab was finished and should be posted soonish, so definitely follow those dudes and their blogs. In the mean time also check out my user page. I try to keep it updated as much as possible with any battles and reviews I make and collabs I'm involved in, so there's always decent info on me there. Anyway, have a very good day :) Category:Blog posts